A New Way to See What’s Inside
When you lose your person, your mind feels like it runs on its own. Thoughts can come fast and loud. Thoughts like, I can’t do this alone. I am not enough without him. I don’t know how. I am failing. I simply cannot.
I know these thoughts well. I have thought them too.
After Gary died, I felt like I had to figure out everything all by myself. I had only ever worked through life with him. Every big thing and every small thing, we did together. I had no practice living without him. The thought of doing it all alone felt impossible.
I want to share something that helped me understand what was going on inside me. It did not fix me or take away the grief. But it gave me a map. It is called The Model, created by Brooke Castillo.
The Model helps us see the steps inside us. It looks like this:
Circumstances → Thoughts → Feelings → Actions → Results
Circumstances
Circumstances are the facts. They are things that happen outside of us. We can’t change them.
For me, the fact is simple and brutal: Gary died.
The hardest part was that now, I had to figure out everything alone. From flat tires to taxes to handling sickness, I was on my own.
Thoughts
Thoughts are what we make those facts mean. They are the words and sentences running in our heads.
When I thought, I can’t do this alone, I felt small and scared. Other thoughts came too.
I am not enough without him.
I don’t know how.
I am failing at everything.
It’s unfair that I have to.
I simply cannot.
These thoughts did not just appear once. They played like a broken record in my mind.
Feelings
Thoughts create feelings.
When I thought I was failing, I felt overwhelmed. When I thought I was not enough, I felt deep fear and sadness.
Other feelings came too. Anxiety. Exhaustion. A sense of being unworthy. A heavy fog that sat on my shoulders.
Sometimes, my whole body felt it. I would shake. I would cry until I could not breathe. My chest felt like it might pop. I felt frozen and restless at the same time.
Actions
Feelings shape what we do or don’t do.
I often did nothing. I avoided tasks. I stayed in bed or avoided sleep. I over-researched, doubted, asked and asked and asked, then did nothing. I fidgeted and felt restless.
When I felt these heavy feelings, I could not eat. The house got messier. The laundry piled up. I felt stuck.
Results
Actions create results.
My inaction and overwhelm made the house feel more chaotic. The mess and undone tasks made me feel even more alone and scared.
These results proved my thoughts true. See? I really can’t do this alone. I really am failing.
It became a circle that felt impossible to break.
A tiny place to start
I learned that the only place I had any gentle power was in my thoughts.
I could not change the fact that Gary died. I could not change that I had to do things alone. But I could notice my thoughts and look for a softer one.
This did not mean forcing happy thoughts. It meant tiny cracks of light.
From my journals, I found small new thoughts:
I forgive myself for not being the way I want to be.
Gary loves me and thinks I am worthy.
It is ok to feel joy and grief together.
I am taking it one day at a time. Every day counts.
I am loved.
These thoughts did not make me happy. But they softened the edges of my pain. They helped me stand up for myself. They helped me do one small thing at a time.
You can do this
If you feel ready, try this gentle practice.
Write down:
A hard thought you are having today.
The feeling that thought gives you.
What that feeling makes you do or not do.
What result that creates in your life.
Then ask yourself if there is a new thought you might try. It does not have to be bright or positive. It only needs to feel a tiny bit lighter or more true.
Closing
The Model does not erase grief. It does not take away love. It does not fix the missing or the longing.
But it can help us see that we are not broken. We are humans with minds that try to protect us, even when they hurt us. We can learn to watch our thoughts like a gentle friend sitting beside us.
You are not alone. You do not have to rush. You do not have to change everything.
I am here beside you, one breath and one small thought at a time.
💜💚