After Gary died, I spent more than fifty hours choosing a fifty-dollar toaster. It wasn’t really about toast. It was one more decision I had to make without the person I used to talk things through with. If even small choices feel impossibly big right now, I want to share the questions that helped me begin trusting myself again.

After your person dies, there can be so much to take care of that you lose track of your own needs. You make the calls, handle the paperwork, and show up for others while carrying your grief. Learning to be on your own side begins with a quiet question: What do I need today? The answer matters, even if it takes time to find.

Forty years after our wedding day and 41 years after our first date, I am reflecting on the lessons Gary still teaches me—about love, strength, family, joy, and believing in the magic of a life we cannot always understand.

You can be exhausted and still unable to sleep. After Gary died, I had nights like that, followed by days full of things that still needed doing. From the outside, I looked like I was managing. But getting through the day took more than anyone could see. When grief meets exhaustion, even rest can feel hard to reach.

There is a difference between functioning and being okay. After my husband died, “I’m fine” became my umbrella. It helped me keep going, show up, and participate in life. But an umbrella doesn’t stop the rain. Sometimes looking fine simply means you’ve gotten very good at holding the umbrella.

When we repeat a thought often enough, it stops sounding like a thought and starts sounding like fact. I am weak. I'm not keeping up. I can't do this.

That's when I use what I call the 180: What if the exact opposite were true? It's not positive thinking—it's permission to look for evidence you may have overlooked.

You don't owe your boss—or anyone at work—your whole story. But there may be times when your widow grief starts making work harder. That's when you get to decide: do I tell them? How much do I say? And what do I actually need to ask for?

I had a friend who kept asking when I'd get back to normal. She asked more than once. Finally, I told her. "You expect me to go back to the Old Gladys. I simply cannot. I will never be that person again. I need you to stop asking me to do that. I appreciate that you love her but you cannot ask me this anymore. I will not continue our conversations if you do."

That was a boundary. I wasn't trying to control her. I was telling her what I could no longer accept. And what would happen if she didn't stop.

A widow shows up to work. She's a leader. A professional. The strong one. He died months ago, or years ago. And she still has to show up. But here's what nobody tells you: you don't have to choose between showing up and grieving. You grieve within it.

There's a question I ask widows in almost every coaching conversation. It sounds simple. What do you want for yourself? And then, so often, there's silence. Sometimes a long one. Sometimes just, "I don't know." Of course she doesn't know. For a long time, life was about we. And then he died, and the whole future you thought you were walking into died with him. So when someone asks what you want now, of course you might not have an answer.

The first time I laughed after Gary died, I caught myself and stopped cold. Something struck me funny and it just slipped out. And then the guilt came rushing in. How could I laugh? How could anything be funny? He's gone. Maybe you know that exact moment. The good feeling comes, and the guilt lands hard right behind it, turning a good moment into proof that you're doing something wrong.

This week, I forgot to write my blog. I forgot the newsletter too. First time since I started, a Monday came and went and I missed it completely. And that's okay. It was a full week, with several widows reaching out for support all at once. I could tell you it's okay because I had a good reason. But grace isn't only for the good reasons.

In the first two weeks after Gary died, my phone never stopped. Then somewhere around week six, it got quiet. And some of the people I was most sure of, the ones I would have bet everything on, were the ones I never heard from again. There's the loss you know is coming. That's your person. And then there's a second loss, one that shows up slower and quieter. It's the people.

At first, everyone calls you strong. They say they don't know how you do it. And you smile, because you don't know what else to do. But here's the truth. You're not brave. You're surviving. After Gary died, I heard the word strong a lot, and slowly it started to feel heavier than kind. Brave became something I had to live up to, even on the days I was barely holding on. Until one day, I was just tired of it. Tired of being brave.

After Gary died, the silence felt too big to be in. And here's the strange part. I could be in a room full of people and still feel like I was standing somewhere no one else could see. It wasn't only that Gary was gone. It was that the one person who knew me was gone. I didn't just lose him. I lost being known. If you're a widow, I think you know exactly what I mean.

The 4th of July was this weekend. Gary loved it. So the 4th is one of those days now, one of the hard ones the calendar hands you, ready or not. But lately I've been thinking about something bigger than one day. Being a widow isn't a season I'm going to finish. It's a long road, and when I look up and try to find the end of it, there is no end. Here's what I keep coming back to. I don't have to walk the whole road today. I just have to do the next thing.

Grief shows up and changes everything. Making room for it is a practice we keep returning to. See what that can look like, and why your grief and your life can exist together.

A little while ago, a widow booked a call with me. She never came. Anyone who does this work will tell you no-shows are part of it — but this one stayed with me. I couldn't stop wondering what happened between the woman who booked the call and the woman who, when the moment came, couldn't pick up the phone. I think I know. I think it was grief.

There are days in grief when you look around and wonder if anything has changed at all. You have cried, walked, and tried — and still the ache is there. So you begin to question whether you are moving forward, or just circling the same pain. But progress in grief is quiet. It hides in places that do not look like progress at all. The truth is, forward does not always look like movement.

Not long after loss, the world begins to move around you as if nothing happened. People stop asking how you are. Someone says you're strong, and you nod because it's easier than explaining that you're not. But being "okay" is not a goal, and it is not a finish line. You are grieving — and that is what love looks like after loss.