Should You Tell Your Boss You’re a Widow?
What to Say About Grief at Work
Some days grief shows up at work.
That doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong.
Going back to work after your husband dies is hard enough. Then there is another question you may not expect.
How much do I tell my boss?
Maybe you're going back to the same job and everyone knows what happened. Maybe you're starting a new job and no one knows you're a widow. Maybe it has been two years, five years, or fifteen years, but there are still days when grief follows you right through the door at work.
Do you tell your boss? How much do you say? And what do you do if you need something because of your grief?
I had to figure this out after Gary died.
What I learned is that I didn't need my supervisor to understand my grief. I needed her to understand what was happening at work and what would help me do my job.
Do You Have to Tell Your Boss You're a Widow?
No.
You don't owe everyone at work your story. You get to decide who knows that your husband died and how much you want to share.
But there may be times when grief starts making something at work harder.
Maybe you need time off around a difficult date. Maybe you need to step away sometimes when a grief wave comes. Maybe you're having trouble concentrating. Maybe you need a little more privacy than you normally would.
You can also be years into widowhood and still need something.
You are still a widow.
There isn't a date when you suddenly stop missing him or when grief stops showing up in your life.
If something at work isn't working because of your grief, it may help to talk with the person who can help you change that situation.
That might be your boss. It might be someone in human resources. It might be another person in your workplace.
And you don't have to tell them everything.
You can tell them what they need to know to help you do your job.
What Happened When I Went Back to Work After Gary Died
When I went back to work after Gary died, I cried a lot.
My stomach was constantly upset. I was trying to function, and most of the time I could.
One thing that helped was having an office with a door.
I could close it.
If I needed to cry, I could cry. If I needed a few minutes to pull myself together, I could take them. I had a little bit of privacy to be a widow while I was also trying to do my job.
Then the heat went out in my building.
I was asked to move to a corner of a busy office in another building.
No door. No privacy. People all around me.
I knew pretty quickly that this wasn't going to work.
I was still crying often. My stomach was still in knots. Sitting in the middle of a busy office trying desperately not to cry wasn't going to help me do my job. It wasn't going to be easy for the people working around me either.
So I talked to my supervisor.
I didn't tell her every detail about my grief. I didn't need her to understand what it felt like to lose Gary.
I told her what was happening and what I needed.
My husband had died. I was still struggling. I wasn't ready to work in the middle of an open office.
Then I asked a simple question.
What else could we do?
What Do You Actually Need From Your Boss?
Before you decide what to tell your boss about your grief, it may help to figure out what you actually need.
That sounds simple, but it isn't always.
Especially in early grief.
Sometimes everything feels hard. You know work isn't working, but you may not know what would make it better.
Start with what is happening.
Maybe you are crying unexpectedly.
Maybe you can't concentrate for long periods of time.
Maybe certain conversations or situations catch you off guard.
Maybe there is a date coming up that you already know is going to be hard.
Maybe you need a place where you can have five minutes alone.
Then think about what might help.
It doesn't have to fix everything. It just needs to make work a little more doable.
For me, that was privacy.
For you, it might be something completely different.
How to Talk to Your Boss About Grief
You don't have to make a big announcement.
You also don't have to explain your whole relationship, how your husband died, or everything you have been through.
You can keep the conversation focused on work.
You can say something like:
“My husband died, and there are still times when my grief affects me at work. I want to talk about something that would help me do my job.”
Then explain what is happening and what you are asking for.
Maybe it is:
“I may need to step away for a few minutes sometimes.”
Or:
“Our anniversary is next week, and I know that day may be difficult for me. I'd like to take that day off.”
Or:
“I'm having a hard time working in this open space right now. Is there somewhere quieter I could work for a while?”
You don't have to apologize.
You don't have to prove how sad you are.
And you don't have to convince your boss that your grief is real.
You are simply explaining what is happening and asking if there is a way to make the situation work better.
What If You're Starting a New Job as a Widow?
This can feel different.
Nobody there knew your husband. They may not know anything about what happened.
You may wonder if you should tell your new boss you're a widow at all.
You don't have to tell them just because you're a widow.
You can wait until there is a reason you want them to know.
Maybe a difficult date is coming. Maybe something at work brings up your grief. Maybe you realize you need more flexibility than you expected.
You get to decide when to share that part of your life.
And if you do share it, you can share only what feels useful.
Something as simple as this may be enough:
“I wanted you to know that my husband died a few years ago. Most days I manage work just fine, but there are some days when grief is harder. If that happens, I may need to step away for a few minutes.”
That's enough.
You don't have to tell the whole story.
What Happened After I Spoke Up
My supervisor listened.
She didn't make a big deal out of it. She didn't treat me like I couldn't do my job.
We talked about the problem and found another solution.
I got the quiet I needed, and the department still had what it needed too.
I was relieved.
The conversation wasn't easy for me. I would have preferred not to need it at all.
But I did need it.
And pretending I was fine sitting in that open office wouldn't have changed that.
That experience taught me something I still carry with me.
I can be good at my work and still be a widow.
Both things can be true.
I don't have to hide one part of myself to prove the other part.
Before You Talk to Your Boss, Ask Yourself These Questions
If you're trying to decide whether to tell your boss about your grief, take a few minutes and write down your answers to these questions.
What is happening at work right now?
Are you having trouble concentrating? Crying? Feeling sick? Needing to step away? Is there a certain day, situation, or time of year that is especially hard?
How is it affecting your work?
Is it making certain tasks harder? Do you need privacy? Are you worried about crying in front of coworkers? Is there something about your work setup that makes grief harder to carry?
What would help?
Try to make this as specific as you can.
A day off?
A quieter place to work?
A little flexibility?
Permission to step away for a few minutes when you need to?
You may realize you don't need to tell your boss anything right now.
That's okay.
Or you may realize there is one small thing that could make work much more manageable.
You don't have to figure out widowhood at work all at once.
You just have to figure out what you need right now.
And then you get to decide who needs to know.
If you're trying to figure out how to carry your grief at work, you don't have to sort through all of it by yourself.
I offer a free 45-minute conversation called
We can talk about what is happening at work, what feels hard, and what might make things a little more doable.
No pressure. Just a place to talk with someone who understands widowhood and can help you think through what you need.