What Are Boundaries and Why Widows Need Them

A boundary is a threshold.

It shows where your space ends and someone else's begins. And you get to decide who crosses it.

When my husband died, people crossed my lines because they didn't know where they were.

And honestly, sometimes I didn't know either.

As a widowed person, you are carrying a lot since your person stopped breathing. You're figuring out who you are without him. You're doing things she used to do. And then there are other people asking things of you.

Maybe they keep asking when you're getting back to “normal". Maybe they want to know when you'll be ready to date. Maybe they think you should be further along than you are.

Sometimes even people who love you ask for more than you have to give right now.

That is enough to drive you crazy.  That is where creating a boundary can help.  A boundary is knowing what's okay for you and what isn't. Then you tell the other person. And if they keep crossing it, you decide what you'll do.

I had a friend who kept asking when I'd get back to “normal".

She asked more than once.

Finally, I told her. "You expect me to go back to the Old Gladys. I simply cannot. I will never be that person again. I need you to stop asking me to do that. I appreciate that you love her but you cannot ask me this anymore. I will not continue our conversations if you do."

That was a boundary.

I wasn't trying to control her. I was telling her what I could no longer accept. And what would happen if she didn't stop.

Here's how to set a boundary.

First, get clear on what bothers you. Think back to a time when someone crossed a line. Not a time you wished they'd do something different. A time they actually invaded your space, your time, your choices, your grief.

When you know what that is, you're ready for the second part.

Make a clear request with a clear consequence. You're giving the other person a choice. They can do what they want. But if they choose to keep doing the thing that bothers you, you're telling them what you'll do.

It sounds like this: "If you keep asking me about dating, I'm not going to take your calls for a while." Or "If you show up without texting first, I won't answer the door." Or "If you keep giving me advice about my grief, I'm going to end this conversation."

You're not controlling them. You're saying: you're free to do what you want, and here's what I'm going to do about it.

The third part is the hard one. You have to actually follow through.

If you set a boundary and then don't do what you said you'd do, the boundary doesn't exist. The person learns that your no isn't really a no.

My friend didn't like hearing it. But she understood what I said. Unfortunately the friendship fizzled out.

That happens sometimes. It doesn't mean your boundary was wrong.

Some people won't like it. They may think you've changed. They may get defensive.

You have changed. Your person died. Of course you changed.

You are allowed to protect your energy, your sanity, yourself. You are allowed to tell people the truth about what you need. You are allowed to say what will happen if they don't respect that.

And you're allowed to change your boundaries as you change.

Be gentle with yourself while you figure out where your lines are.

You're allowed to have boundaries.

Even in grief.

Especially in grief.

If boundaries are something you're struggling with, I'd be glad to sit with you. Holding the Ember is my free 45-minute conversation for widows. There's no pressure. It's simply a place to talk about where you are right now and what might help you move forward.